Mothers

I’m not sure where, but I read somewhere once, “God couldn’t be everywhere all at once, so he created Mothers.”

Wow, that’s for sure. I’m pretty sure that my job each day is one that not everyone could do, and it suits me well. I’m certain that the daily job as a Mother is one that I could never do. I think I have that “Father thing” down pretty well but the job as a mother… I’m totally under qualified.

Some Fathers have done an amazing job as a single parent, and I have the highest level of respect for them… they should be praised for their efforts.

I feel absolutely blessed to still have my mother in my life. I know we will not be on this planet forever together, but I do take solace in the fact that I know my mother has a “fast pass” to heaven above.

In my mind, the job of a mother is one that is indescribable. They are, after all, irreplaceable beings.

Imagine though if one was hiring for the position of Mother. I envision they might post something on LinkedIn, Facebook, or maybe Craigslist. Their ad might look something like this:

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often-chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

TIME REQUIREMENTS: The rest of your life.

TRAINING AVAILBLE: None. No manual. No mentorship offered unless your predecessor is available. You’re pretty much on your own.

RESPONSIBILITIES:  Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, one must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and embarrassed the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery-operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: NONE. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining, and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

Here’s the best part… When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could actually do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

The crazy thing about Moms… they could go through the successful job cycle of motherhood only to say to themselves, “I think I could have done a better job. Where can I sign up to do it all over again?”

Mothers… gotta love ‘em. I know I do. Happy Mother’s Day weekend to all of you wonderful Mothers out there. 😊

Have a great weekend everyone.